While partaking in my favorite shop pass time: looking at new trail shoes I definitely don't need, I came across a quote by Kilian Jornet while checking out the new Sense from Salomon. "Trail running for me is not about running."
I didn't watch the video attached, I didn't read further, I simply came over here and began writing to flush out my thoughts on the subject. Sometimes putting words out there is the easiest way to reflect and come to a conclusion on a subject.
After completing my first 50 mile, which has by far been my greatest personal challenge, I came home with a nagging knee pain, mental duress and a surprising lack of motivation. Some of this was indeed external circumstances and stimuli from the race, some more internal than I care to admit.
I came out the other side of all 50+ miles with both a finish and a finish time that I can respect personally. (I ran in the last 4 miles at a good pace and finished under 12 hours.) However, much of the MMTR was spent in pure, unadulterated agony on my part. I fought cramps from mile 18 and on. I was given ominous "Good luck"s as folks shuffled by, probably thinking that I would be among the many, many DNFs for the year. There were points when I was alone in the woods that I welcomed tears to relieve the tension and stress pent up inside me. Even then, all I could do was whine like a little kid, annoying myself and hoping no one was around to see such foolishness.
This experience is why the simple statement, which most likely involves a feel good, inspiring followup from Kilian about the beauty of training and racing and the comradery of ultra distance racing, etc., caught my attention. I even thought that might be where this was going as well. Apparently it's getting a little deeper and darker than that. I apologize.
Running has given me so much since I first imbibed in the post exercise endorphins. It took me on a completely deviant path from the one I was following. It's a path that at times I love and at times I hate, just like everything else in life, I realize. On the surface, if you asked anyone they would say that, obviously, I love the sport that has come to be my way of life. We put on races, do group runs, talk running constantly, run races like I'm getting paid to do it and overall just enjoy the people and the experiences we gain while making ourselves stronger and healthier. Deep down though, and I would suppose that the fact that I'm even questioning myself speaks volumes, do I love it? Do I even like it?
How much of this doubt is an injury speaking? Or is it just fatigue from a very busy year and a slow season at the shop? Like Paul wrote, I speak not in respect of want. Truly I don't. I have learned the meaning of "to be abased" and "to abound" in the short year and a half I have devoted my life to the sport. Even as I typed that word, "Devoted", I think that's where my problem lies. I am not completely devoted to my sport and my business. I know that again, much of this is personal circumstances more than merely normal business woes. So there it is. See, I told you I needed to simply flush my mind! Devotion is the key. Not devotion to the sport necessarily. It will not take the place of or precedence over God or my wife, but this is my way of living. If I do not give 100% of my efforts to this place and to the sport, where am I? On a street corner with a lot of bills I cannot pay.
I thought about not posting this up, it isn't sports related and it's more or less a rambling dissertation of ideas and words racing through my head. But in a way, this post holds me accountable to whoever reads it. I need to suck it up, stop slogging and run this thing in to the finish line. We have so much potential as an area resource, but it's up to me to make us indispensable. So, time to straighten the spine, pick up my feet and keep pushing forward. No more whining, no more forcing tears that won't come. It won't relieve the pressure anyway.
